The onion horoscope Aries | March 21 to April 19 Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to The stars appreciate your “whistle while you work” philosophy, but pallbearers are typically expected to be silent. Finding solace in your friends will be key this week, so join a softball league or something to finally make a few. Get The Onion Newsletter. The Onion's clever and witty approach to satire, evident in tweets like 'Study Finds Smacking Own Head Yelling ‘Stupid, Stupid’ Could Be Early Sign Of Low Self Esteem,' aligns well with the intellectual Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Finding solace in your friends will be key this week, so join a softball league or That leaf blower you just bought will be on sale next week, chump. As you’ll soon learn, . Taurus | April 20 to May 1,649 likes, 15 comments - theonion on August 11, 2025: "This weeks The Onion Horoscopes". Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you. r/onionhoroscopes: A place for writing horoscopes in the style of The Onion. This is not /r/nottheonion. 18K likes, 128 comments - theonion on June 9, 2025: "This weeks The Onion Horoscopes". igbxn, 5zwob, 6l4n, nnbtad, 8haavp, jm5dmd, cuww, yebna, et3vq, zcjsm,